beautiful love;
Thursday, February 22, 2007
i snuggled up at 6am.
i stayed up the whole night in the hall.
weak, i mean emotionally. armed with 3 sets of discs and two mineral bottles. tears seemed to stink my eyes unknowingly, caught me fully unprepared. surprised it is. i felt upset. i detest when people try to influence me, was wondering can a few people in the black box do it? and to add, fear. lately, i realised i sucked at parking. i do the adjustment like zillion time. its getting on my nerves when i cant do it like i used to. i used to be confident of driving. even pap could see that i have no problem but after that "accident", i am not willing to touch the car. i dont know why. its frustrating. but the bottomline he said, as usual, to get me further, "if half of the men can drive, i seriously dont know what's the problem with you!!" tell me its just nothing, but a tiny setback.
i thought my ego would choke the soul out of me but i humbled it, tucked my legs and cried my heart out. i secretly enjoy it. out of the blue, i felt blessed. so comfortable in my little nest as i tucked myself away. just wanting to do this everyday, no.. not the crying part of course. but admitting sobs' a good thing, at least i dont feel the... need to hold back the tears.
he told me crying is a way of healing but i snort. i never agree of tears. its just a sign of weakness to the human race, an excuse. i shunned away from men who showed me this sign. in fact, any sign of weakness. it scare me quite a bit. i grew up in a family, where, my dad disapproves of crying. we talked instead. talked about the pain or grief or anything that we are negative about. but at that moment, i realised its okay, to do it once in a century.
she's gone and for the first time, you see him sob. in fact, cried his heart out. its rather inexplicable, you are waiting for him to cry on the outside but when he did, your jaws nearly dropped. and stood there. time seems to be still, forever. for that, you wished for a broader shoulder. to shoulder the pain and.. loss. the fear in his eyes to disappear. its queer to hate someone at that state, i think.
i like this, do i?